The truth is that I cannot wait for the semester to be over. I am not my usual self these past few weeks and I feel really disappointed. I know I could have done so much better both at work and graduate school.
I have been setting up random meet-ups with some friends, thinking it could help me figure out what is wrong; why the string of drive suddenly snapped within the chasms of my being.
One of my best friends said that the problem was I easily get distracted, which I blandly admit. I acknowledge the fact that there was a certain someone who stirred me out of focus. I’ve already had my lonely days accompanied by music and poetry. Now, it is time to bounce back. But while we’re at it, can I at least rant about this a little bit?
I mean, I don’t get why some people can be so indecisive. I do not, for the love of Pete, understand how someone can be so indulging and drawn back at the same time. Was it something I did? I said? Did I come off a bit strong, aggressive, intimidating? Clingy, perhaps? Whaaaat? Why this sudden coldness? It gets so frustrating because every time I open up my heart to someone and I feel like it is time to take a risk…that person flees away faster than a cheetah.
I do not deserve this. No. I won’t pretend that I have the answers to my queries because frankly, I am still confused. But, I won’t let this rattle me. I mean, come on. He’s just a boy, Cindy. Remember that. He is just a boy.
Anyway, a dinner with one of my college friends last week helped me a lot too. He brought old newspapers that we worked on together during our stint as editors for our college student publication. He showed me my column. There I was…still with long, black curly hair. My mug shot was sporting my bare face without glasses. It felt weird looking at my 19-year-old self because she was staring back at me, as if reminding me of the determination I somehow forgotten. The editorial I wrote was about the Law of Jante, one of the concepts I read from Paulo Coelho’s books.
*Friend: Look at that girl, Cinds. Andyan siya somewhere inside you. Find her again. Go back to your core. Basahin mo out loud yung title ng column mo…
*Me: “Substance over Facades”
*Friend: Do not ever forget that principle.
Hence, I am typing this blog entry right now. Because one of the few things that keep me sane is writing…and sleeping…and praying…and being alone in public places…(the list goes on).
I think that’s what I lost along the way…the fearlessness, the passion that got me to where I am now, the ability to translate into words the emotions my mind cannot comprehend. Maybe with all that is happening around me, the young Cindy chose to stay behind because I was busy unconsciously conforming to the standards.
This has to end right now. I think, after a lot of prayers and soul searching through silence in parks and cafes, I found the old Cindy again; the Cindy that does not let anyone define her dreams and expectations, the Cindy that fights back but still knows when to compromise.
She’s back. And hopefully, she will never leave again. That, of course, will already be up to me.