I have this habit of pushing people away. It’s like an ‘on and off’ switch that ticks every time I start having feelings for someone or, most often than not, if I just feel the need to stay away from a person (for no apparent reason!)
I am so weird. Sometimes, I just want to disappear. I am very moody and complicated and AAAAAH! Frankly, I have no idea why I am like this. Maybe it’s a defense mechanism or an unconscious attempt to put people off. I fear pain. I hate goodbyes. Basically, I am a coward and paranoid and maybe borderline bipolar. And I do not know if at this rate, I would find someone who would want to deal with all these chaos and sh**.
There’s always so many things going on my mind. All at once. I can’t help it. My brain is a vast ocean of thoughts. And people close to me know that I’ve always been like this.
I just want to apologize. To you, dear person who I think is so smart, talented, kind, amazing, patient and enigmatic. If you ever feel that there is a wall between us on some days, it’s not you. It’s me. Because I am not very good at showing what’s truly inside me. I am, however, good at pretending. And making you feel like you don’t matter…when in fact, you do. You really really do.